lost touch and disconnected

It has taken weeks for me to sit in this chair and find my blog voice and then ofcourse I couldn't find my blog page or password or log in or interpret those silly screwed up letters that pop up or in any way shape or form contribute to my own blog. When I began this little adventure in the bloggers world I had an sneaky suspicion that I would occasionally neglect to sign in, that my confidence in believing that I had anything worthwhile to write about would wax and wane. With what ease and truly alarming regularity the critical ego demon could persuade me that I had nothing to say. Nothing to say? There is always something to say.  What does this demon look like, what form does she take? I know that she changes shape she increases and diminishes and she enjoys taking the form of a dragon. She has sharp claws that dig into my shoulder and she has a seductive sweet reasonable voice, she is I me myself my ego my shadow my critic and she is persuasive and she is always right. There will always be aspects of ourselves that we dislike that we hate that prevent us from living well and recognising or celebrating our goodness. The 'I am rubbish soup' we can stir and pick bits out to look at in more detail. The 'I should have done that better or differently' bits, regretting, reinventing the past, inventing other scenarios, other outcomes.So hard to include all of ourselves in our vision of ourselves, so hard to accept that it is all of these imperfections and perfections that we can call me. Too easy to hate and so tough to love.

The Silence has not been golden

A chance meeting with a friend yesterday evening alerted me to the neglect of my blog. My friend was delighted to have read my previous posts, but also puzzled as why they had come to an abrupt end on 27 October 2010. My feeble excuse was that I have been in dissertation purdah. Thousands of Words needing to make sense and convey to a marker that I am able to study and interpret texts in my own inimitable way. Do I only have a limited number of words per day to commit to a text? if yes, is that why I was all worded out and could not face my blog? There were excruciating days when I could not even open up the document - dissertation working doc. The merest sighting of the title would send me scurrying to my piano or grabbing the dogs lead, for yet another walk which, I was convinced, would clear my head and provide valuable 'thinking' time not panicking time. These activities which also include knitting, phoning friends, checking emails,reading anything other than books related to my dissertation (not housework you may have noticed) became not displacement activities as they are commonly known but essential activities. The emotional process of writing my dissertation awakened the chorus of critical demons. There were also, at times a choir of angels when I felt satisfied with my work.
Sitting with and Being with your difficulties, facing the 'demons', allowing the emotion to flow through you, this is the stuff of therapy and it takes courage. I needed to remind myself of that when I got stuck or overwhelmed by my emotions, when I was trying to write or think about committing any words to paper.
What came up for me? Fear of not being good enough, fear of being seen and heard, fear of criticism - and also the JOY of the written word, reading marvellous and interesting books, and sharing new knowledge - learning and studying new ideas. To let go of the fear and rest in the joy, to acknowledge that some days my brain would not work. It is always lurking in some recess of my mind, and I needed to befriend it and welcome it into my life.
There is a wonderful story of the temptation of the Buddha as he sat meditating in a cave. Mara the ultimate and supreme demon sent many different forms of temptation all of which the Buddha resisted and destroyed, so Mara realised he would have to go himself, he was the only one who could be a match for Buddha. As he entered the cave the Buddha greeted him warmly and invited him to take tea with him and they sat together and had a conversation they had a dialogue they formed a relationship.
So, in a way I have a formed relationship with my dissertation, I gave birth to it and I have nurtured it and it has taught and nurtured me and I shall let it go and hope it behaves well and is a credit to me.

Elephant

It has been 26 days since my last post and my blog is metamorphosing into a dearly loved friend who I think about, very briefly, every day and then miss out on phoning or contacting. The illuminating thoughts that flicker into my consciousness, that would flow very nicely into a blog, slip away as easily. There is a marvellous meditation exercise : Tonglen - touch and let go - which encourages you the meditator to notice the thought(s) that slip in and out of your mind and to almost greet them and acknowledge them in a light and gentle way, an allowing sort of way, to quote Pooh bear and then allow the thought to slip away or dance away or fade away. And this seemingly is what is happening with me and my shadow, I mean my blog.

Breathe - don't forget to breathe

A quintessential buddhist meditation practise, vippassana - awareness of the breath, your breath and a phrase we heard so many times on our psychotherapy training course and one which I use with my own clients. It always brings a smile and a shrug, as if we could forget! Our bodies very obligingly do it for us so we can get on with the business of being anxious or angry or confused or happy! When we are experiencing distress fear or shock our breath comes  in short, shallow bursts and I know, through my personal experience of panic attacks, that focussing on my breath helped to calm me and bring me back to reality. So it was truly extraordinary breathing that we all enjoyed on Saturday at the beautiful Westernburt Arboretum. To be amongst so many TREES (and they all so deserve capitol letters) was heady and calming and balmy and joyous. 

On realising that I am a Warrior Woman

I bought Christina Feldman's book 'The Quest of the Warrior Woman' at a Gaia House retreat and read it with trepidation, because I felt so strongly that her words could not possibly apply to me and the way I lived my life. I am a great admirer of Christina Feldman, who is an inspirational Buddhist feminist teacher, so I persevered, wondering if I would recognise myself in the pages of her book. On p.6 I was startled by a passage of text which helped me to begin, tentatively, to put on the mantle of the Warrior Woman and to regard so many of my dear women friends as warrior's too. And now several years later I have been able to find the passage almost instantly and quote it here :
'Every woman who begins a journey to understand herself and what is possible for her travels a path that requires a finely-tuned balance. Patience needs the companion of determination, receptivity needs courage, compassion requires focus, and single-mindedness needs humility. The warrior is not without fear; her heart may tremble at the prospect of bringing about radical change in her life and her world, but intuitively she knows that fear is the mother of true courage....... A woman who seeks a new career in her middle years, a woman who seeks to forsake years of alcoholic numbness, a woman who ends an abusive relationship - all of these women leave the cocoon of their 'nunneries'. They well tremble at the prospect of change and the demons they may encounter, yet they are willing to take risks and be alone. They are guided by faith, inner authority and vision : they are warriors'. Christina Feldman
I am that woman who sought and found a new career as a psychotherapist in her middle years! I am able to rank myself along with the countless courageous women who begin the journey on the path of transformation, a warrior who creates no enemies and battles no opponents. Join us on this spiritual journey and dare to call yourself a warrior woman, take the first step and then track all the myriad ways throughout your life you have changed and transformed yourself and the lives of the people you love. Many of you will feel suspicious of the warrior's path initially, remember the authentic warrior is motivated by compassion and courage. She is willing to be seen or not seen, 'committed to freedom, healing and understanding and is rooted in a profound sense of interconnectedness'. Christina Feldman

Now I have started......

Rifling through bits of paper with random quotes and notes for my dissertation, (which I should be writing now - my blog is my new displacement activity),  I found the quote from Stephen Batchelor for my strap line. It is a truly beautiful concept and to put it into practice requires mindfulness and compassion.  Please do not think I am claiming that I am able to do this at all times! Lets just say I put a lot of effort into trying.

A fascinating trip around the world of setting up a blog

There is no possible way that I would be writing this blog if my dear friend from Penarth had not been sitting at my right hand, like the true goddess she is and making me click on buttons I would not have dared to click on. At 2.00 pm after a slow amble around the somerset lanes we sat down to this task. According to the blog sites we would be writing a blog in half an hour if we followed their simple multi- step guide. 5 hours and one lunch later here I am writing my blog and I have a pic of me to boot. Looking forward to adding stuff to my blog if I ever find it again.