A chance meeting with a friend yesterday evening alerted me to the neglect of my blog. My friend was delighted to have read my previous posts, but also puzzled as why they had come to an abrupt end on 27 October 2010. My feeble excuse was that I have been in dissertation purdah. Thousands of Words needing to make sense and convey to a marker that I am able to study and interpret texts in my own inimitable way. Do I only have a limited number of words per day to commit to a text? if yes, is that why I was all worded out and could not face my blog? There were excruciating days when I could not even open up the document - dissertation working doc. The merest sighting of the title would send me scurrying to my piano or grabbing the dogs lead, for yet another walk which, I was convinced, would clear my head and provide valuable 'thinking' time not panicking time. These activities which also include knitting, phoning friends, checking emails,reading anything other than books related to my dissertation (not housework you may have noticed) became not displacement activities as they are commonly known but essential activities. The emotional process of writing my dissertation awakened the chorus of critical demons. There were also, at times a choir of angels when I felt satisfied with my work.
Sitting with and Being with your difficulties, facing the 'demons', allowing the emotion to flow through you, this is the stuff of therapy and it takes courage. I needed to remind myself of that when I got stuck or overwhelmed by my emotions, when I was trying to write or think about committing any words to paper.
What came up for me? Fear of not being good enough, fear of being seen and heard, fear of criticism - and also the JOY of the written word, reading marvellous and interesting books, and sharing new knowledge - learning and studying new ideas. To let go of the fear and rest in the joy, to acknowledge that some days my brain would not work. It is always lurking in some recess of my mind, and I needed to befriend it and welcome it into my life.
There is a wonderful story of the temptation of the Buddha as he sat meditating in a cave. Mara the ultimate and supreme demon sent many different forms of temptation all of which the Buddha resisted and destroyed, so Mara realised he would have to go himself, he was the only one who could be a match for Buddha. As he entered the cave the Buddha greeted him warmly and invited him to take tea with him and they sat together and had a conversation they had a dialogue they formed a relationship.
So, in a way I have a formed relationship with my dissertation, I gave birth to it and I have nurtured it and it has taught and nurtured me and I shall let it go and hope it behaves well and is a credit to me.
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